Ominous Velour

Yes, I know it’s such a clichéd answer, but allow me to spell out what I’d do with it.

Jayjay’s Ranch

Step 1: Acreage, and lots of it.

Step 2: hire a kickass ranch manager who will run the place well but also humor the fact that I will acquire so many animals that are not useful or productive and that, as much as I may want to, will not physically be able to care for on my own, and accommodate accordingly.

Step 3: Build out the facility, plus housing for myself and all the staff, and make E V E R Y T H I N G wheelchair accessible. If I pay for it, I better be able to get to it and use it.

Step 4: Animals. All of them. The works. I want highland cattle. I want black Clydesdales. I want alpacas. Valais blackface sheep. Fainting goats. Runner ducks.

Step 5: Animals (other ones.) The ranch needs to be able to turn a profit so I can blow it all on turning part of it into a large animal rescue. Maybe with a “retirement home for senior dogs” annex.

Step 6: humans (who are technically animals, but ranching humans has weird implications.) Figuring out how to both help the animals and use the animals to help the humans who need them too. Let LGBT+ youth de-stress by cuddling cows? Training programs for vets who need a chill place to work? Ex-cons rehabbing and training rescue dogs? The possibilities are endless, and I wanna run them all.

Step 7: Horseback riding (and other outdoor activity) programs for disabled kids. I was lucky enough to have access to many of these in my youth (horseback, sailing, skiing, and archery in my case) so I would love to give other kids the same kind of fun I got to have.

Step 8: Come up with even more ideas to keep me busy until retirement and then just spend the rest of my life cruising because DAMN I miss the ocean.